I chose to be a stay at home mom, largely because I just want to be the one to enjoy their milestones. I don’t want a daycare provider experiencing their first words and steps. I’m honestly not sure it’s the best thing for my kids to be with me all day every day, but it is what it is.
I spent the past two weeks in the About.com prep program. It’s my second time through, and I find the whole thing incredibly stressful. I’d really like to write for them, but I’m not sure I can do another prep, so they need to just hire me this time around. =}
The guidelines for prep tell you that, all things considered, they’ll hire the person with the most content. Honestly, it bugs me. Whoo-hoo for the people who have nothing else to do but prepare for a job they may not even get. Some of us have other jobs, kids, and family commitments and can’t spend every waking minute on the site. Does it mean we wouldn’t do a good job if we were hired? No. I could certainly drop a few of my other commitments if I knew I had the position.
Anyway, as I mentioned, I really want this job. So, as I struggled to write a coherent sentence while juggling an infant and a toddler, I started missing my single life. All of a sudden, I wanted to be completely selfish. I wanted to lock myself away in my office and write to my hearts’ content. I wanted my son to stop talking so much (boy, can he talk!) and my daughter to sit without being held for 5 minutes at a time. I started to resent them, and my husband, who kept suddenly thinking up errands he needed to run or things that had to be done right away. Why couldn’t I put my work first for once? He never took time out of work to run out and buy mulch.
Now that prep is over and I’m anxiously awaiting the verdict, I have a bit more clarity. I’m still annoyed that I had so much trouble clearing out a chunk of time to do anything, but the only reason I get to be home following my dreams is because of my kids. I’m not so much of an uber-mom that I can honestly say that I was doing it all for them… although the money would be nice, it’s really about my sense of worth. But, if I weren’t home caring for them, I would be out in the rat-race slaving away for some neurotic boss who has some sort of gender complex and a total lack or normal human empathy. So they continue to come first as, of course, they should, and I continue to strive to remain More Than Mommy.
Wish me luck!