It is time for a change.
I have been home for more than 3 years now, since before Bug was even born. I am so thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to be home full-time with my kids. It’s amazing watching them learn new skills and try out their first words. I love visiting the zoo and play spaces and having parades around the house.
Then again, this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Not just being a mom, which is incredibly and exhausting and exhilarating and scary all wrapped up in a bundle of diapers and drool. I spend a lot of time in my head, dreaming, planning, scheming and such, and that is totally thrown out the window with two crazy kids running around having screaming contests. There are days when I can feel my brain shriveling up in my head.
I stayed home with the kids because I wanted all of the moments. I wanted first steps and first words and hugs and kisses and cuddly times. I’ve had lots of those and hope there are still lots more to come before they feel too old and self-conscious to snuggle.
But I also need to take care of me. For a variety of reasons, I haven’t been living my dreams. I haven’t been following my muse or taking the right chances or exploring. It has nothing to do with being home with the kids, which has made up for years of sub-par living. I have some things I need to accomplish and some commitments to myself and my family that I need to follow through on.
All this drama is leading up to is that I’m hoping to shift to a few days of outside daycare in January or February. I have a project that will take a to of my time and energy, plus some writing commitments and I need to be able to think. I need time to work when I’m awake and fresh. And I need time to get to a doctor, dentist or even hairdresser every now and again. I’ve been talking about it more and more and have finally reached a point where I feel ok letting go a tiny bit. It’s not that I feel guilty or even that I’m afraid they’ll come under some bad influence. It’s really that I don’t want to miss a minute with them. But, the reality is that they are spending time other places because I just can’t keep up with everything. It’s time to stop piecing things together and make a concrete plan moving forward.
So now that I’ve made the decision (which is, of course, pending the financial practicality of two kids in day care while I work on an unfunded startup…), I feel relieved. I know it will be best for the kids, especially Bug, who needs to practice interacting with peers (ironically, he has the most time with his peers already). And I feel like I can start to fly a bit.
Change is good.